


Healing

by Camerahead12



Series: Angstober2020 [27]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9/11, Alot Of Heavy Shit, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Childhood Trauma, Destiel Promptober 2020 (Supernatural), Firefighter Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, I Feel Like I Should Tag A lot More, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Cults, Support Group, The Author Regrets Nothing, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:04:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27240118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camerahead12/pseuds/Camerahead12
Summary: Day Twenty-Seven; Holding Hands
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Angstober2020 [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950358
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48
Collections: Destiel Promptober 2020, The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been on my mind for literal months. I told myself I was going to make it happen today. I’m so fucking glad to finally get it out. 
> 
> Also, I don’t usually remind you all to look at the trigger warnings, so if I'm saying something it should mean something, right?
> 
> Main triggers I am concerned for you lovelies reading; 
> 
> Dean was a first responder at 9/11. Castiel is one of the few survivors of the Jonestown Massacre. There is detail. Not a lot, but some. If any of these subjects are triggering for you, please do not read this. 
> 
> I love you all.

November 17, 1978

_“Cas! Wake up!”_

_Castiel sat up from his cot, bleary eyed and disoriented, looking around the tent as someone grabbed his arm and shook him. The still air was hot and heavy with humidity that never seemed to change in this place. Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand and giving a big yawn, he squints over to his brother who is still tightly holding onto his arm._

_“Gabe?” He asks leaning closer to see his brothers face in the dark. “Thought mom took you to see the that man?”_

_He tried not to be jealous and happy for his brother for seeing the man first. Mommy said he was going to be next. She said that he and Gabriel were chosen to see him personally because they were special because they were named after angels. Castiel didn’t understand why they couldn’t go together, but his mother assured him that his turn would come. The man told them they were going to go to heaven soon, and he was excited to do his part._

_“Cas,” his brother whispers, gripping his arm tighter. Castiel couldn’t help but notice something is off in his voice. It sounds strange, like right after he’s been crying for a long time. “You need to listen to me, okay?”_

_“You’re hurting me,” he whines trying to pull his arm away._

_Gabriel yanks him closer to him, and for the first time Castiel’s eyes adjust to the darkness and he sees his tear soaked face. Castiel stares up at him, a small whimper coming from his lips. He’s never really seen his brother cry. But why would he cry if he just saw the man mommy said was going to take him to heaven? Castiel gasps and wonders if maybe the man told Gabriel he couldn’t go!_

_“Did he tell you you couldn’t go to heaven? S’that why you’re crying?” Castiel whispers, reaching up for his brothers face. “S’don’t want to go there without you. Mommy said we’re special. We –”_

_“Stop!” Gabriel sobs, flinching away from his hand. Castiel drops his hand, looking down at his cot. He guesses he would be upset too if the man said he couldn’t go to heaven with his family, too._

_He hears Gabriel take in a deep, shaky breath. The grip on his arm loosens slightly, and Castiel slowly looks back up at his brother. Someone with a lantern passes by their tent casting a yellow glow briefly over his brother. Castiel gasps when he sees how red and blotchy Gabriel’s face is. His lips look like he’s bitten them so much they’re swollen._

_Castiel opens his mouth to comment, but Gabriel gives him a shake again. “You gotta listen to me, Cas. Tomorrow the pastor is going to call everyone together. He’s going to tell you to drink from a cup a juice.” Gabriel lets out a noise that almost sounds like a sob, but Castiel is more confused on why Gabriel is telling him not to listen to the man. His mom told him he **had** to listen and do everything the man said to get into heaven. Does Gabriel not want him to go to heaven because he isn’t? Is he jealous?_

_“But mama said that we had to do what the man said. She said that if we didn’t –”_

_“Just shut up and listen to me!” Gabriel hissed, digging his fingers into his arm. “I need you to trust me, okay?”_

_Castiel just nods, suddenly scared of his brother._

_“Do you trust me, Castiel?”_

_He nods again._

_“I would never do anything to hurt you, okay? You know that right?”_

_Castiel nods his head again, feeling a little better. Of course his brother wouldn’t do anything bad to him. Gabriel has always been his best friend. Especially when their mom sold all their things, packed them up and fly them out to a jungle to live with the man, it has always been Gabriel to keep him company and play with him. A lot of the kids here weren’t allowed to play together. When he was feeling sad about being away from his toys back home, Gabriel would always do something to make him laugh. He was good at that._

_“When everyone is drinking the juice and the pastor is talking, I’m going to give you a sign to run.”_

_Castiel gasps and pulls his arm away from Gabriel. “You want me to run away? But then how will I get into heaven!”_

_“Cas, please!” His brother begs, slumping forward against the cot, running his fingers through his long hair. “It’s…it’s a game, okay? We’re just going to play a game. Kind of like hide-and-seek. When I distract everyone, I want you to start running. Make sure you head into the jungle right by out tent and just keep going straight. No matter what you hear, or who is calling for you, I want you to just keep running straight.”_

_Despite the humid air and sweat dripping down the side of Castiel’s face, a shiver goes through him. The hairs his arm begin to raise. “Gabriel…you’re scaring me.”_

_“Hey,” Gabriel says calmly, taking his hand in his. “It’ll be alright, okay? It’s just… a game.” He chokes out the word. Clearing his throat, he continues. “Kind of like a prank on the pastor, alright? You will still go to heaven, trust me.”_

_Castiel’s eyes grow wide as a big smile spreads over his face. “Really? Did he say that tonight? What did he say to you? I know I’m not ‘pose to be jealous, but-but he s’wanted to see you first. And –”_

_“He told me we are both going to heaven because we’re angels,” Gabriel says in a wobbly voice. Castiel would be crying too if he got to speak to the man and heard the words. “He said tomorrow we’re all going to heaven, so I wanted to have a little fun before we go, okay?”_

_Castiel nods his head excitedly. “So after you tell me to run, how far do I go before I come back?”_

_Gabriel takes another shaky breath that sounds more broken than the last time. Castiel wonders if he’ll cry like his brother when he talks to the man._

_“There’s a hole a ways out. You’ll see it, trust me. I want you to jump in it and pull the big leaf laying next to it over the top. I want you to stay there, okay? If you’re really quiet and really still and don’t let anyone find you, I’ll let you go to heaven first, okay?”_

_“Really?!” Castiel asks excitedly, bouncing up and down on the cot. “S’all I gotta do is just run really fast without someone catching me and jump in a hole and you’ll let me go first?”_

_“You can’t tell anyone what we have planned, okay? And no matter what you hear, or who calls for you, stay there until I come get you, alright?”_

_Castiel bobs his head, letting out a laugh he’s unable to contain before leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his brothers neck. “I love you! Thank you Gabe!”_

_His brother’s arms wrap around him tightly, squeezing Castiel tight. “I love you too, Castiel.”_

_*~*~*~*_

_The next morning the pastor calls for everyone to gather in front of their tents. Castiel is too excited to pay attention to focus on his words, grinning at Gabriel beside him. His brother smile doesn’t seem as bright today, and Castiel wonders if it has to do with his lips that look like they have scabs all over them. For a moment Castiel wonders if his brother is sick. Gabriel’s skin looks pale and his eyes keep looking around everywhere by the man standing in front of everyone, talking about something._

_Castiel sees a cup of juice being passed around, and his mouth starts to water. Almost sensing his thoughts, Gabriel nudges his shoulder and gives him a barely noticeable head shake. Oh. That’s right, he’s not suppose to drink it, only pretend to drink it._

_Castiel watches as his mother takes a big drink, closing her eyes for a moment holding the cup close to her face before opening them with a determined look and passing the cup to Gabriel. Gabriel tips the cup back over his lips. Castiel watches with wide eyes as his brother brings it back down, winking at Castiel before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Castiel grins, grabbing the cup from his brother and bringing it to his lips._

_The temptation to take the juice into his mouth is almost too much. It’s so hot out and the sweet liquid against his lips would feel so good. Would it be so bad to just have a taste?_

_A sharp stab to his ribs has him fumbling the cup down, away from his face. Gabriel is glaring at him, his finger poking into his side. Castiel wipes the red, sticky liquid off his lips with the back of his hand and hands the cup off to the family next to him._

_Babies start to cry as the man talks on. In the front of the group, where the juice was served first, he hears a kid about his age tell his mother he doesn’t feel well. The man starts talking louder, but Castiel is too anxious to hear his words. Gabriel keeps glancing over at him, and Castiel tries his best to behave. He wants to be good for his brother so he can get into heaven first. He wants to show him he can do this._

_Somewhere, close to the front, Castiel sees someone falling to their knees. The cries of the babies grow as more kids his age start to join them in crying. Just like last night, a shiver runs up his back despite the stifling heat. Why is everyone crying? Should he be crying?_

_More and more bodies start dropping to their knees, then collapsing to the ground. Castiel hears his mother gasp, but as he turns to look at her Gabriel gives him a shove backwards._

_“Run, Cassie!” He hisses. “Now! Go!”_

_Castiel turns and starts running faster than he’s ever run in his life into the jungle that’s been forbidden to play in. Branches and plants almost seem to be reaching out for him, trying to slow him down as he brings up his arms to his face to shield him from the limbs hitting his face._

_The pop-pop-pop that sounds like firecrackers goes off behind him. He thinks they must be setting off fireworks to celebrate going to heaven, but knows he can’t turn around and look. Gabriel told him what he has to do, and he needs to listen. Castiel hears his name being called and panics thinking whoever it is will catch him. He pushes himself as hard as his little four year old legs will carry him. He runs faster and faster, ignoring the leaves and branches smacking and scratching him in the face._

_And then all he knows is he’s falling. And then all he remembers is darkness._

_*~*~*~*_

September 18th, 2002

Castiel gasps away, rolling over just in time for everything in his stomach to come up as he retches onto the floor. Fuck, how long has it been since he’s had that dream? Months, maybe.

Groaning, he peels back the thin sheet wrapped around his body as he climbs across his bed to the other side to go into the bathroom and retrieve his cleaning supplies. This isn’t his first rodeo, and a person might actually think it’s a bit sad to have an emergency stash cleaning bucket for just this occasion, but Castiel thinks it’s smart.

After scrubbing and cleaning up his vomit, Castiel takes a shower, dresses and starts on his usual daily routine, going through the motions on autopilot.

His dream lingers in the back of his mind, those vivid images of people collapsing to the ground all around him, causing his palms to sweat. Stumbling into his little kitchenette, Castiel fumbles grabbing a bottle of water and opening it, water spilling over onto his hands.

And just like that he’s four year olds again, red juice sloshing over his hands from a cup, the phantom jab of Gabriel’s finger in his side.

Castiel doesn’t remember the bottle slipping from his fingers, nor does he remember crumpling to the floor, holding, knees pressed tightly against him as he grabs his hair, arms shielding his face as he sobs into his arms. He only comes back to himself what must be hours later, because the sun isn’t spilling directly into his east facing window anymore. His head hurts from where he’s been tugging and pulling on his hair, and his face feels puffy and swollen from crying. Castiel realizes he must have been screaming at some point because of how raw his throat feels, but can’t bring himself to care.

He sits there, long after coming back to himself, limbs numb and stiff with how tightly he holds himself. He knows he should move, but that thought itself makes him exhausted.

_Stop,_ Castiel thinks to himself, shaking his head. _You’re stronger than this. You can do this._

Taking in shaky, deep breath through his nose Castiel counts to three before letting it out slowly through his mouth. He repeats it four times before he works on telling his arms to let go of his knees.

By the time Castiel has feeling back in his legs and is able to stand, it’s almost two o’clock. Thankfully it’s Wednesday and his day off. He grabs his apartment keys from the bowl on the counter before taking a few tentative steps testing to see if his legs will carry him.

Talking himself through every action, Castiel toes on his shoes, opens his door, closes it, locks it, and starts down the hallway to the stairs.

It’s about a half an hour walk to the building where his support group meets every Wednesday at three. Castiel thinks the building use to be some kind of school because of all the rooms, but dreads actually asking just in case it happens to be a church. Just the thought alone has acid burning the back of his throat. Castiel barely has time to turn to the side, one hand splayed over the brick building before he starts dry heaving outside the door of the building, gasping as his stomach clenches and cramps.

Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, he does his breathing again, desperately trying to clear his mind.

This is why he always makes sure to leave his apartment early. He never has any idea how he’ll react when he approaches the building. Some days are good – most days, actually. But then there are days like today that are just…not great.

Walking into the building Castiel counts his steps as he moves down the hall. He passes three open doors before turning right into their large, open classroom type room. The white, plastic folding chairs are already set up in a circle. Two of the usual people sit in them, along with their leader of the group, a oddly optimistic man named Garth.

“Heya Cas,” he greets him cheerfully, waving from his seat as Castiel walks over. “Happy Birthday, man.”

Blinking in surprise, Castiel just stares at him. How could he forget it was his own birthday?

Sitting down in the chair, giving him a moment to collect himself, Castiel manages a small smile. “Thank you.”

“No prob-le-mo, dude.” If Garth picked up on him forgetting his own birthday, he pretended not to notice. For that, Castiel was grateful. “Any plans for the rest of the day?”

He gives a shrug as three more people filter in the room, scooting out their chairs before taking a seat. “Not really.”

Garth frowns at him, a concerned look crossing over his face. “Well that’s kind of a bummer. You didn’t make a plan for today?”

Castiel goes to open his mouth to respond with some sort of lame excuse, he’s sure, when Garth’s eyes glance behind him to the doorway, his smile full watt smile is back on his face. Castiel’s seen this look a few times since joining the group two years ago. Garth always looks excited when someone new shows up. The guy may be a little weird and awkward at first, but once you get to know him you learn that he just genuinely wants to help everyone. Garth’s heart, Castiel has noticed, seems to be nothing but pure. The real love and amount of care he has for each and every one of them shows through during each Wednesday. Honestly, Castiel has no idea how he ever functioned before his therapist recommended it.

“Hello!” Garth says happily, waving his hand.

Castiel listens to the footsteps behind him get closer. The chair beside him pulls out and looks over to see quite possibly one of the most handsome men he’s ever seen sit beside him.

He really tries not to stare, but Castiel finds himself unable to stop himself from looking away. The man has full pink lips, light brown hair, a smattering of freckles scattering throughout his face that makes him look even more adorable. And eyes so green Castiel swears they have to supernatural.

“I’m Garth,” he says leaning forward and extending a hand. “Welcome to our trauma support group! I’m so glad you came to join us today.”

“Dean,” the man says taking his hand and giving it a few pumps before pulling away and clasps his hands together. “Uh, thanks for having me.” Castiel notices how his fingers immediately start picking at the skin around his hand. An anxious trait. He, himself, has so many sores and scabs around his fingernails he contemplates what life must be like without constant stinging hands when you wash them.

Garth claps his hands together and turns to look at everyone sitting around them in the group. “Alright guys, I’m going to go ahead and get started. First off I’d like to make an announcement. Today we have a birthday of one of our very own! Everyone give Castiel some birthday love!”

A chorus of unsynchronized “Happy Birthday’s” echos from around the group. He feels his cheeks warm as he gives a sheepish wave mumbling his thanks. He glances over at Dean who just smiles warmly back at him.

“Secondly, we have a new friend here with us today,” he says nodding to Dean. “Everyone give a warm ‘hello’ to Dean.”

A more in synch mumble of “hello’s” is said before Garth nods at them happily, settling back against his chair. “I’m excited to see you all back here today. It’s nice to see everyone’s faces. A reminder that this is safe place. Whatever is said in this room, stays in this room. Unless I think you might hurt someone else or yourself, I encourage you to express yourself in anyway you want. I like to think of us as a little family, and we are all here to support one another.”

A few of the usuals that have been here since before Castiel nod their heads. “Alright, let’s start by everyone telling me how their week has been. Who wants to start?”

A newer woman by the name of Jody clears her throat and sits forward in her chair. “I’ll go,” she says looking around at all of them. “Well, as most of you know I lost my husband and son two months ago. This week I…”

Castiel listens as Jody talks about having found one of her sons toy cars behind the refrigerator she had to move because it wasn’t working. She talks about the sadness taking over and safety plan steps she has in place to help her get to place she could call a friend to come over and be with her. He lets himself tune out at that part, looking down to see Dean digging and picking at the skin around his nail so much there’s blood smeared over the area. The strongest urge to reach across and grab his hand to help him calm his nerves almost overwhelming, as much as it is odd. He’s never felt like doing anything remotely close like that to any of the other people here.

The clapping of the group startles Cas out of his thoughts, and he quickly looks up, bringing his hands together just in time to fins his clapping along with them.

“Amazing progress, Jody,” Garth says sincerely. “I’m so proud of you for recognizing and getting the support you needed.” He turns to Dean and gives him a wide smile. “Dean, would you like to share a little bit about yourself so we can get to know you?”

Dean clears his throat, tucking his thumbs into the palm of his hands before tightening them into a fist. “Uh, hi. I’m Dean. I’m twenty-four. Um, I was a fireman. I mean, technically I am, but, uh, I worked on Ladder –” His voice cuts off and Dean’s face gets really red before Castiel notices his lip starting to tremble. Without ever thinking about it, he reaches over and wraps his hand over the top of Dean’s fist tightly clenched in his lap.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Garth says slowly. “Take a deep breath with me through your nose. Yup, that’s right. One, two, three. Good, good. Now let it out through your mouth. One, two, good, three. Do you want to try again, or should we do another breath?”

A tear blinks free, running down the side of Dean’s face. Castiel squeezes Dean’s fist, trying to offer him any type of comfort, before rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.

“I, uh,” he says, voice trembling as he blinks out more tears. “I was one of the f-first ones at the-the –” Dean takes a shaky breath, looking up at the ceiling as more tears spill out the sides of his eyes. Castiel’s heart aches at seeing the man’s pain. Dean lowers his head, eyes staring ahead. Castiel knows that look. Dean isn’t seeing them, he’s remembering. He’s putting himself back in whatever trauma brought him here.

“We got there right after the plane hit the North Tower,” he says. “I…When the people started jumping,” Dean lets out a sob, his fist coming free, shaking fingers clinging to Castiel’s own tightly. “One of the first bodies to fall fell right in front of me.” A broken sob breaks free as he squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I-I can still hear the sound of…I couldn’t, I mean, I froze. Then the other plane hit, and I was on auto pilot.”

His green eyes seem brighter, his sorrow and pain sharpening them. Castiel feels his own eyes stinging with tears listening to Dean’s voice become more steady, fighting back the tremble with every word. “We were just coming out of the South Tower when the North fell. It was…I couldn’t even see anything. There was so much dust. So much smoke. We were told to get out. The other Tower was coming down. They were screaming over my earpiece. Everything was so loud. I was just running. We were all just running. And then I tripped over something, but I couldn’t see. When I looked down to see what I was laying on, it was a body that had fallen and I – ” Dean bends forward over his knees, loud, broken sobs shaking his body.

He never lets go of Castiel’s hand, but hangs onto it tighter. Castiel lets him, never stopping rubbing the pad of his thumb over his knuckles as he lets his own tears fall.

Garth keeps the rest of the group more upbeat for the remainder of their time. By the time it’s time to leave, Castiel feels a bit better after sharing his dream. Garth tells him how glad he is he remembered to breath, but scolds him for not reaching out to someone in the group for a support.

Castiel doesn’t have the heart to tell Garth no one has given him his number but him.

As everyone walks out of the building together, Dean nudges him with his shoulder, giving him a shy smile, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Castiel smiles back at him, unsure of what to say. Keeping his distance, he found out early one, was almost necessity. Not a lot of people were able to cope with the amount of baggage and trauma from his childhood. And thanks to his many therapists and Garth, he was starting to realize that having his trauma might be a forever thing, but it was okay and didn’t define him. He just had to find people who could understand and support him.

Easier said than done.

“So, uh, back in there,” Dean says nodding to the doors. “I just wanted to say thanks, for, um, holding my hand. Ya know, cause it was, I dunno, nice.”

Castiel gives him a playful grin. “Are you saying holding hands was nice?”

Dean drops his hand from rubbing the back of his neck, his shoulders losing some of their tension as he lets out of a laugh. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“I’ll be happy to hold your hand anytime,” he says with a wink.

Dean chuckles and shakes his head. “Jus’ can’t remember the last time I held someone’s hand. Kinda nice, you know?”

Castiel hums in agreement, looking out at the people passing by on the sidewalk as it starts to get darker.

“So, Cas,” he says nudging him with his shoulder again. “Got any big plans for your birthday?”

“No,” he replies honestly. “I can’t remember the last time I actually celebrated my birthday. If it wasn’t for Garth I probably wouldn’t have remembered.”

Dean’s gapes at him. “Seriously? You forgot your own birthday?”

Castiel just shrugs. He doesn’t see what the big deal is about birthdays, anyway.

Dean reaches down, lacing his fingers into Castiel’s. He just stares at their fingers, wondering why it feels so good and trying not to focus on how well they fit together.

“Okay, well lucky for you you’ve met me,” Dean says giving him a wink, pulling him into walking beside him. “I’m officially kidnapping you for the night and taking you to dinner.”

Castiel huffs out a laugh, letting himself be drug along. “Kidnapping, huh?”

“Yup,” Dean says with an affirmative head nod. “Forcing you to dinner and pie.”

Castiel tilts his head at him, letting himself fall in step beside him as Dean squeezes his hand lightly. “Pie? I thought it was suppose to be cake for a birthday?”

“Dude, pie is so much better than cake, though!” He laughs. “‘Sides, I know this great diner up the road a little bit. They have the best burgers in town.”

“Mmm. How did you know burgers were my favorite?” He asks.

“Who doesn’t love a good burger?” Dean smiles slyly at him before giving him a wink. “You seem like a guy with good taste.”

Castiel smiles, an honest to goodness smile that doesn’t seem forced. He lets Dean lead him to a small diner he doesn’t think he’s ever noticed before even though he’s walked up and down this street about a thousand times. He sits down in a booth across from Dean, and for the time in what seems like forever, he let’s himself enjoy the moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Scream at me in the comments?
> 
> Kudos give me life, loves!!


End file.
